cancer

my best friends mom is dying and her dad died a year ago. her mom has refused to go the the hospital to see if the cancer has spread. i called my dad because his first wife had breast cancer and i thought he could offer some advice. he said me and my best friend were selfish in not letting her mom just die. to force her to go the hospital would be about our own egos. he then wrote me an email to tell me to "grow up" but daddy, all my friends are dying, I feel like ive grown up so much.

"im tired"

why doesnt anyone mention that its sometimes straight up rude to take a nap, or to use being tired as an excuse for everything on the plant. sleep is only really necessary for a couple of hours a day. after that you just sleeping for pure pleasure. if someone else is depending on you to be awake then you get a cup of coffee and you can be awake. sleep can be selfish and rude. different sleeps have different personalities. but my number one pet peeve is people who are "tired" Tired is a excuse word, I know that because I use that shit as an excuse. I was going to call you but then i just got REALLY tired. Oh word? You were TIRED well then FORGET I asked!! Everyone is fucking tired- what kind of bullshit is that. Any one who has a job or any sort of complication in their life is fucking tired. people who excerise are tired--and so are people who dont!! Isnt that crazy!?!?! You see, being tired doesnt mean a fucking thing, because if you want to wake up an do shit youre suddenly not tired. Its amazing you should try it one day. I had a friend that was tired through our  whole friendship and then i realized she just didnt want to fucking see my ass!! Remember when you were so tired in highschool every fucking day and then you could stand eight hours in the rain with 6000 people in your grill when Radiohead was playing live and you werent tired at all --isnt that weird?!!!!

Anyways, I have to go, im really tired.

fuck the world

dont ask me for shit. everything you get you gotta work hard for it.

so im sitting here, repeating that lyric and im thinking i have one of two options if I want to live in New York

1. rapper
2. drug dealer

fear and panic

and anxiety



I love this town.

make this tomorrow

i love this

it makes me very happy to have seen this at the philidelphia museum of at.

um

i felt like such a failure today. so unsure of any semblence of creative talent left in me. can i make a movie? with a cast? and a production? this is if i had a million dollars to make a movie (which may never happen in my lifetime) could I even do it? what a scary feeling that I am just wasting all this time? I cant shake this today, i think im lying to myself.
Why not write in a journal everyone says, because, journals are done baby. just like new york is done, beautiful film cameras are done, small shops are done, peace movements are done, sex and rock and roll are done, its the end of this.
we are here now in this digital thing, where private feelings are public. somehow im okay with that, because at least we are still trying to communicate with eachother.